As everyone knows, being a Secretary in the Cabinet of any administration is an important job, from the State Department all the way down to Housing and Urban Development. It can take up all of your time, and should — after all, you’re not helping run a lemonade stand here. That’s why Donald Trump appointed
whoever would be funniest the very best and brightest to each position, with the knowledge that his expectations would be for them to run the programs into the ground very high.
The importance of each position in the Cabinet, of course, fluctuates according to the circumstances of the day: If the country is at war, the Secretary of Defense might be the first phone call. For a recession, you might ring up the Treasury. And when a public school with a student body that makes up half the population of its city elects a gay president, you get the Energy Secretary on the horn.
I’m kidding, of course — that’s ridiculous. But to Rick Perry, noted dumbass and a graduate of Texas A&M University, it’s no laughing matter. Secretary Perry took time out of his busy schedule of overseeing our nation’s nuclear arsenal to pen an op-ed in the Houston Chronicle admonishing the school for allowing an election he called a “mockery” after a “straight, white” student was disqualified and his gay, white opponent was elected Student Body President instead. Hmm. Both white? What could his objection have been? Well, Secretary Perry has a notoriously hard time with The Gays:
"Well, I think we found our 'Saturday Night Live' soundbite," Rick Perry laughs during Al Franken's questioning at confirmation hearing pic.twitter.com/aIIDmtHJvy
— CBS News (@CBSNews) January 19, 2017
Accusing the university of engineering the election in the name of campus diversity, Perry suggested that if the eventual winner, openly-gay student Bobby Brooks, had been caught without receipts for glow sticks used in a campaign commercial — yes, that is seriously what happened — he may not have been disqualified, as was his “straight, white” competitor.
Would the administration and the student body have allowed the first gay student body president to be voided for using charity glow sticks?
The university, for its part, weighed in on the Secretary’s article. In a statement, spokeswoman Amy Smith said
[W]e were a little surprised that the secretary of energy of the United States of America would have the time and bandwidth to weigh in on a university student body president election.
The winner also had a brief comment when informed of Perry’s involvement by a reporter:
Since his confirmation on March 2, Secretary Perry has been dividing his time equally between contesting local student elections and learning about what the Secretary of Energy actually does.