Bible-Thumping Lunatic Says JAY-zus Told Him Trump Was Wiretapped

in Left Wing Nation/Religion/Republican Stupidity by

Some people just call them weird dreams, but when you’re a Man Of God™ you get the distinct honor of calling them prophecies. They’re what happens when you believe God has spoken to you in your sleep and told you something important about the future — maybe He said that Babylon would be conquered (happened), or that the children of Zion would beat their swords into ploughshares (not so much). Maybe it was something really revealing, like He told you that someone was going to wiretap the future occupant of the White House.

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That’s what Frank Amedia, a crazy, crazy pastor from Ohio thinks is just what happened to him. I guess the gift of prophecy is how Frank became Donald Trump’s “Christian policy liaison” during his campaign for President. After all, God DID tell Frank that Trump was going to win the primaries, although Frank neglected to tell anyone about God’s special message until after the apparently-pointless primaries were held, and people wasted their time voting, instead of just letting God’s plan come true.

In the prophecy about the wiretaps, God was a little mixed in his metaphors. At a gathering of his kooky church buddies, Amedia described his dream:

The second night, I looked into the face of the person that was putting them, and they were faceless. He said, ‘It’s a ghost’—which is an acronym, as you well know, for a certain intelligence agency.

I don’t actually think “ghost” IS an acronym. I think that might be an actual word. Could just be me.

Now, you’d think God would have more important tidbits to pass along. Perhaps He could let someone know when a terrorist attack is going down. Maybe He could divinely lay some lottery numbers on me so I could finally get that awesome tattoo of Leviticus 19:28 I’ve always wanted. Or how about something as simple as a Floor Lego Warning System for parents? I mean, how useful would that be? We’re talking millions of converts if the Almighty came through with something like that.

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That’s all wishful thinking, though. Clearly the God that Pastor Amedia and his wife Lorilee collect debts donations for is far more concerned with Donald Trump. That’s why the Amedias and a host of other batshit-insane evangelicals have launched “POTUS Shield,” a glorified prayer circle for people more important to God than mere churchgoers. If God went around answering everyone’s prayers to keep their jobs or their health insurance, He wouldn’t have time to help POTUS Shield take down Mike Flynn or murder judges who uphold women’s rights, and He definitely wouldn’t have time to help Pastor Frank cure cancer or single-handedly stop a tsunami.

Hoping all this craziness will end soon? Keep dreaming. Or seeing prophecies. Whatever. You can watch this thing here, if your brain doesn’t already hurt:

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