If you weren’t busy cleaning toilets, going to the dentist, or having your balls pounded flat with a wooden mallet this afternoon, maybe you spent some time watching so-called “President” Trump’s press conference. To call it a trainwreck is possibly the most charitable comparison a twisted mass of steel and cargo has ever gotten.
For the reporters in attendance, this is the part of their job that is simultaneously the best and the worst: Hearing Robo-Trump misfire on all cylinders, and bursting forehead veins trying not to laugh. How can they get all of this craziness down in the limited time they have?
To help, I’d like to submit for their consideration twelve headlines that they can totally use without even giving me any credit, because everyone was totally thinking them:
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1. No President Has Ever Presidented As Hard As Me
If it seems like he can’t get enough of the self-love he obviously became addicted to when he was a kid with the Sears catalogue underwear section and a box of rose-scented tissues, you’re on the right track. This man strokes himself in public so much, Pee-Wee Herman has a lawsuit pending for trademark infringement. This headline really encapsulates the many variations on his self-congratulatory victory speeches.
2. This Tremendous Dishonesty Will Not Stand! It Won’t! Not The Dishonesty! Or The, Um… Entrenchment! Of The Dishonesty!
As the Press Corps knows, Trump doesn’t think much of their willingness to contradict his Alternative Facts™. This headline is kind of a gimme, since every time he’s in front of a microphone, he whines about his treatment from reporters, but I like to think this puts a little Jughead crown on his head in your imagination while he shouts.
3. President Inherits Least Messy Mess of All Messes Ever Inherited
I mean, what’s there to say? He loves to go on about how everything was upside-down when he got here, but the truth is, other than the severe derangement undergone by the lunatic, racist Right in America, things were actually pretty okay for Americans under that last guy.
4. Our Country Will Never Have Had A Military Like The Military We’re About To Build And Rebuild
Okay, I admit it. I actually stole this one directly from Trump’s mouth. But holy cow, you guys. Pass this headline up and you’re as inept as this guy says you are.
5. I Actually Have A Tattoo On My Bicep, It’s Of The Number 306
“Do you people know what that number is? It’s the number of electoral votes I personally wrestled from the jaws of that alligator Hillary Clinton.”
6. This President Hates Regulations, Which Is Why He’s Implementing New Regulations Unlike Any Previously Seen
Again, I feel kind of like a jerk just laughing at the actual things he said, but pay no attention to the first ten words of this sentence.
7. 80: That’s A Number I Heard. I Also Heard Someone Once Count To Ten Out Loud While They Covered Their Eyes, But That Was A Long Time Ago And They Never Found Me Because I’m The Best Hider
I really feel like the President has a good schtick going, if he’s lining up this gig in prep for a comedy tour. I honestly think Dana Carvey, Darrell Hammond, and Will Ferrell probably cry themselves to sleep at night wishing, for the first time anyone has ever wished it, that they were Alec Baldwin.
8. “High Quality Model” Melania Trump Can’t Keep President’s Eyes Away From Rubio’s Wife
Okay, this one is a little unfair, but can we at least all agree that it’s more than a little creepy whenever Trump comments on a woman’s looks?
9. “Least Racist President Ever” Notes Existence Of Black Congress Members, Asks Black Stranger If She Knows Them
“I might even start watching your show.” THAT is how not-racist this President is, you guys!
10. Obamacare: Filling Up Alleys With People You Wonder How They Even Got There
Okay, I don’t really know what the story would be after a headline like this, but hey… he pitches ’em, I hit ’em.
11. Bringing Back Jobs Is A Big League Job
Subtitle: “For A Big League President, Figuring Out New Catchphrases Is Just Spring Training”
12. Special Report: Drugs Now Cheaper Than Candy Bars, M&M/Mars Stock In Downward Spiral
This one has to round out my list, because to me it was the funniest thing he said all day. If drugs were cheaper than candy bars, I doubt America would have an obesity epidemic. Maybe a terrible music epidemic, or a poor choice of sexual partners epidemic, or even a morons running for President epidemic (just saying), but we definitely wouldn’t be fat.
Four weeks so far. Doesn’t it feel like four years already?